You Call This A Schedule?

Two babies. One Mom. One Dad. One Hospital. Two floors.

I wanted to let you know what we went through when the girls were first born. This is so I can complain about how much it sucked, and you can say how awesome I am for doing it.

So remember, that we have twin girls. One is in the hospital room with us and the other is in the NICU. And keep in mind that whenever I encountered a Nurse or Doctor, I talked constantly and humorously about a huge range of topics. They loved me. Didn't they? Anyway, on with the schedule.

1. Twin A starts crying, so I jump out of my cot and grab her.
2. I remove her diaper and attempt to change it without getting shit on. Usually she will pee or poo while I am in the process, so I often have to use 2 or 3 diapers.
3. I get her changed, and hand her off to my wife. She attempts to get her to breastfeed. She tries for 10 minutes, usually unsuccessfully.
4. While she is doing that, I prepare the bottle of previously pumped breast milk. I pour out the proper amount and warm it up and put on a fresh nipple.
5. I also take a sterilized breast pump kit and put it together. I attach it to the main unit and have that ready for my wife.
6. She finishes with Twin A, so she hands her off to me. I give her the pump and she starts.
7. I bottle feed Twin A.
8. After she is done, I burp her.
9. Then change her again and swaddle her up and put her back in her crib.
10. My wife finishes the pumping and I take the fresh milk and transfer it into one receptacle and label it for later use.
11. Then I disassemble the kit.
12. I use a chart to note how the feeding went, and if the baby pooped or peed.

Now we must go down to the NICU. If we want to take Twin A, we must call the Nurse to escort us. Don't ask. So we do that and ride the elevator down two flights with Twin A in her crib on wheels and the nurse by our side.

1. We go to the NICU where we must sterilize our hands and forearms using sinks like you see in TV dramas about surgery.
2. I hand off the pumped breast milk to the nurse on hand so she can store it for later use for Twin B.
3. I turn off the monitor and detach the cords going to the three leads attached to Twin B.
4. I go through the process of changing Twin B's diaper in the incubator. (Hopefully avoiding coating the walls of the clear plastic heat box with liquid baby turd.) Again using 2 or 3 diapers. They love the freedom of pissing while naked. Can you blame them?
5. Then I take her out and give her to my wife so she can try breastfeeding. She tries for 10 minutes, unsuccessfully again, I might add.
6. I cuddle Twin A and make witty comments to the nurses.
7. My wife rolls her eyes.
8. Then I take her and bottle feed her.
9. My wife sits by with Twin A watching and trying to remain conscious.
10. Then I burp her. (Twin B, not my wife)
11. Change her diaper again and place her back in the incubator.
12. I reattach the leads and turn the monitor back on.

Now we must call for another escort back up two flights. Then we get back to our room and wait for the process to start all over again. We did this every three hours for the full two weeks we were in the hospital.