You Call This A Schedule?

Two babies. One Mom. One Dad. One Hospital. Two floors.

I wanted to let you know what we went through when the girls were first born. This is so I can complain about how much it sucked, and you can say how awesome I am for doing it.

So remember, that we have twin girls. One is in the hospital room with us and the other is in the NICU. And keep in mind that whenever I encountered a Nurse or Doctor, I talked constantly and humorously about a huge range of topics. They loved me. Didn't they? Anyway, on with the schedule.

1. Twin A starts crying, so I jump out of my cot and grab her.
2. I remove her diaper and attempt to change it without getting shit on. Usually she will pee or poo while I am in the process, so I often have to use 2 or 3 diapers.
3. I get her changed, and hand her off to my wife. She attempts to get her to breastfeed. She tries for 10 minutes, usually unsuccessfully.
4. While she is doing that, I prepare the bottle of previously pumped breast milk. I pour out the proper amount and warm it up and put on a fresh nipple.
5. I also take a sterilized breast pump kit and put it together. I attach it to the main unit and have that ready for my wife.
6. She finishes with Twin A, so she hands her off to me. I give her the pump and she starts.
7. I bottle feed Twin A.
8. After she is done, I burp her.
9. Then change her again and swaddle her up and put her back in her crib.
10. My wife finishes the pumping and I take the fresh milk and transfer it into one receptacle and label it for later use.
11. Then I disassemble the kit.
12. I use a chart to note how the feeding went, and if the baby pooped or peed.

Now we must go down to the NICU. If we want to take Twin A, we must call the Nurse to escort us. Don't ask. So we do that and ride the elevator down two flights with Twin A in her crib on wheels and the nurse by our side.

1. We go to the NICU where we must sterilize our hands and forearms using sinks like you see in TV dramas about surgery.
2. I hand off the pumped breast milk to the nurse on hand so she can store it for later use for Twin B.
3. I turn off the monitor and detach the cords going to the three leads attached to Twin B.
4. I go through the process of changing Twin B's diaper in the incubator. (Hopefully avoiding coating the walls of the clear plastic heat box with liquid baby turd.) Again using 2 or 3 diapers. They love the freedom of pissing while naked. Can you blame them?
5. Then I take her out and give her to my wife so she can try breastfeeding. She tries for 10 minutes, unsuccessfully again, I might add.
6. I cuddle Twin A and make witty comments to the nurses.
7. My wife rolls her eyes.
8. Then I take her and bottle feed her.
9. My wife sits by with Twin A watching and trying to remain conscious.
10. Then I burp her. (Twin B, not my wife)
11. Change her diaper again and place her back in the incubator.
12. I reattach the leads and turn the monitor back on.

Now we must call for another escort back up two flights. Then we get back to our room and wait for the process to start all over again. We did this every three hours for the full two weeks we were in the hospital.

Do Twins Run in Your Family?

You know that I have twin girls. They are fraternal. They were 5 weeks early, so we spent 2 weeks in the hospital with them. They were quite small, and Twin B was only 4 pounds, so she had to go to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, otherwise known as the NICU.

Most parents only spend a day or two in the hospital, but I slept on a cot in my wife's room for the first nine days. Needless to say, I talked to a lot of nurses and doctors.

The first thing that inevitably comes up when people find out you have twins is if it runs in the family. After a few days, that question would trigger my wife's brain to turn off and her to stop listening. You see, I have been told that I enjoy talking. I often tell the same stories over and over.

Well, when the people are new, they haven't heard the story, so why bother coming up with new material when I have already mined the gold? So, I would say, "Actually, I am a twin." I have an identical twin brother. Without fail they would always reply that it was my fault that we had twins. With my wife in a catatonic state now, I go into my spiel.

I have researched twins quite a bit. Turns out, Identical twins are a complete fluke. They don't run in families. You could have a family history of multiple births, but not identical twins. Plus, if the mother is over 35 the chances of having multiples increases by 50%. So, in actuality it is her fault not mine. They laugh.

Now these medical professionals who are working in the birthing unit are all amazed at this information. How was I, a foolish layman able to glean this information with a cursory search of Wikipedia and they don't know it with years of study.

With my story finished, I have to snap my fingers a few times in front of my wife's face so she comes back to reality. I probably told that exact story 50 times during our stay in the hospital. So you can understand why she might find it a tad boring.

It never failed to grab the interest of the person asking though. So if you ask me again, I will probably tell it to you in the exact same way. You won't know the difference. Just don't expect my wife to pay attention to it.