An Example of Motherly Sacrifice

My wife and I were walking our twins last week.  We have an awesome stroller that is very high tech. It takes both infant car seats at the same time.  They snap in very easily.  It has been a real sanity saver because we have been able to go out for at least one walk a day, and often two.

The summer has been wonderful where we live.  We were walking down the sidewalk when my wife did something amazing.

She pushes the stroller and I take our dog.  As she pushed a bee came into her path.  Without thinking about what she was doing my wife, on some basic animal instinct, let go of the stroller and darted backwards away from the bee. It was fight or flight, and she chose flight.  The stroller drifts harmlessly down the sidewalk unattended.  My wife's brain suddenly clicks in and she lunges to grab hold of the handle and bring the vehicle back under control.

I had visions of the scene in Speed where Sandra Bullock's character hits the stroller with the bus, but is relieved to find out there were only cans inside.

You Call This A Schedule?

Two babies. One Mom. One Dad. One Hospital. Two floors.

I wanted to let you know what we went through when the girls were first born. This is so I can complain about how much it sucked, and you can say how awesome I am for doing it.

So remember, that we have twin girls. One is in the hospital room with us and the other is in the NICU. And keep in mind that whenever I encountered a Nurse or Doctor, I talked constantly and humorously about a huge range of topics. They loved me. Didn't they? Anyway, on with the schedule.

1. Twin A starts crying, so I jump out of my cot and grab her.
2. I remove her diaper and attempt to change it without getting shit on. Usually she will pee or poo while I am in the process, so I often have to use 2 or 3 diapers.
3. I get her changed, and hand her off to my wife. She attempts to get her to breastfeed. She tries for 10 minutes, usually unsuccessfully.
4. While she is doing that, I prepare the bottle of previously pumped breast milk. I pour out the proper amount and warm it up and put on a fresh nipple.
5. I also take a sterilized breast pump kit and put it together. I attach it to the main unit and have that ready for my wife.
6. She finishes with Twin A, so she hands her off to me. I give her the pump and she starts.
7. I bottle feed Twin A.
8. After she is done, I burp her.
9. Then change her again and swaddle her up and put her back in her crib.
10. My wife finishes the pumping and I take the fresh milk and transfer it into one receptacle and label it for later use.
11. Then I disassemble the kit.
12. I use a chart to note how the feeding went, and if the baby pooped or peed.

Now we must go down to the NICU. If we want to take Twin A, we must call the Nurse to escort us. Don't ask. So we do that and ride the elevator down two flights with Twin A in her crib on wheels and the nurse by our side.

1. We go to the NICU where we must sterilize our hands and forearms using sinks like you see in TV dramas about surgery.
2. I hand off the pumped breast milk to the nurse on hand so she can store it for later use for Twin B.
3. I turn off the monitor and detach the cords going to the three leads attached to Twin B.
4. I go through the process of changing Twin B's diaper in the incubator. (Hopefully avoiding coating the walls of the clear plastic heat box with liquid baby turd.) Again using 2 or 3 diapers. They love the freedom of pissing while naked. Can you blame them?
5. Then I take her out and give her to my wife so she can try breastfeeding. She tries for 10 minutes, unsuccessfully again, I might add.
6. I cuddle Twin A and make witty comments to the nurses.
7. My wife rolls her eyes.
8. Then I take her and bottle feed her.
9. My wife sits by with Twin A watching and trying to remain conscious.
10. Then I burp her. (Twin B, not my wife)
11. Change her diaper again and place her back in the incubator.
12. I reattach the leads and turn the monitor back on.

Now we must call for another escort back up two flights. Then we get back to our room and wait for the process to start all over again. We did this every three hours for the full two weeks we were in the hospital.

Do Twins Run in Your Family?

You know that I have twin girls. They are fraternal. They were 5 weeks early, so we spent 2 weeks in the hospital with them. They were quite small, and Twin B was only 4 pounds, so she had to go to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, otherwise known as the NICU.

Most parents only spend a day or two in the hospital, but I slept on a cot in my wife's room for the first nine days. Needless to say, I talked to a lot of nurses and doctors.

The first thing that inevitably comes up when people find out you have twins is if it runs in the family. After a few days, that question would trigger my wife's brain to turn off and her to stop listening. You see, I have been told that I enjoy talking. I often tell the same stories over and over.

Well, when the people are new, they haven't heard the story, so why bother coming up with new material when I have already mined the gold? So, I would say, "Actually, I am a twin." I have an identical twin brother. Without fail they would always reply that it was my fault that we had twins. With my wife in a catatonic state now, I go into my spiel.

I have researched twins quite a bit. Turns out, Identical twins are a complete fluke. They don't run in families. You could have a family history of multiple births, but not identical twins. Plus, if the mother is over 35 the chances of having multiples increases by 50%. So, in actuality it is her fault not mine. They laugh.

Now these medical professionals who are working in the birthing unit are all amazed at this information. How was I, a foolish layman able to glean this information with a cursory search of Wikipedia and they don't know it with years of study.

With my story finished, I have to snap my fingers a few times in front of my wife's face so she comes back to reality. I probably told that exact story 50 times during our stay in the hospital. So you can understand why she might find it a tad boring.

It never failed to grab the interest of the person asking though. So if you ask me again, I will probably tell it to you in the exact same way. You won't know the difference. Just don't expect my wife to pay attention to it.

Welcome To My New Life

My wife just had twins. I've learned that everything is about Mom now. I often catch her saying "my" babies. I tried to correct her a few times so she would say "our" babies, but now after a few months of reflection, I understand why she says it. Having a baby changes a woman in so many ways. It changes their body. It changes their brain. It changes their outlook on everything.

But Dads don't have hormones or physical changes to deal with. Everything is pretty normal for us. Until one day you are playing golf, and after seven holes you get the call. 5 weeks before you planned it, you are in the hospital and after 17 hours a doctor hands you a wrinkly, wet, bluish unhappy baby. Then 6 minutes later they hand you another one. So life changes, but you have less stretch marks.

As a new dad, I wanted to drop a few pearls of wisdom.

Sorry, I just had to leave because I am monitoring my twins on a video monitor and they started squirming, so I had to go an soothe them. I am back.

Where was I? Yes, a new dad. I can't breastfeed. I don't have the patients of a mother. I clean. I lift heavy stuff. I change diapers. That is my number one job. Changing diapers. Cloth diapers!

I had never changed a single diaper prior to having kids. Now I am an expert.

I have been shit on. Literally and figuratively.

I am The Poop Catcher