Full Hands

I often go for walks with the girls and my dog.  When I am alone and I can't handle the twins any longer, I pack them up into their car seats.  I bundle them up.  I take the stroller outside.  I put the leash on my trusty pooch.  I open the door and let the hound out and I pick up both seats and struggle out the door.  I put them down while I lock the door.  Then I snap them into our awesome stroller and get ready to go.

The twins love it in the stroller.  When they are awake they take in the scenery with wonder.  Most of the time they drift off to sleep.  I truck down the sidewalk waiting for my dog to take a dump.  Fall is a great time for walking because the weather isn't too hot, and not too cold.  I love it.

As I cruise down the sidewalks I encounter all types of people.  Most say nothing.  But those who do, seem to always say the same thing.


"You've got your hands full."  they say as I pass by.  I smile and say something like, "You're right.", or if I am feeling sarcastic, "This is a piece of cake."

I've got my hands full?  No shit people!  I am not carrying several packages home from the supermarket.  I have two infants and a dog and I am alone.

They should say, "Looks like you've got your LIFE full."  Because that is what I have.

At The Movies

Our local movie theater has a weekly promotion called Baby Reels. At 11AM every Wednesday you can bring your infant to the movies.  They keep the lights on low and provide changing tables and milk warmers.   It is pretty fantastic when you can go out to the movies after being stuck inside covered in puke, piss and shit all week.

They have a website where they post three movies and the parents get to vote on what they want to see.  It should say mothers vote here because on most occasions I am the only dude in the joint, not counting boy babies of course.

I get a lot of stares when I stroll in.  Not only do I have a penis, but I am double fisted in the car seat department. Everyone brings their baby in their car seat and puts them on the chair next to them.  We have twins, so all four of us go every Wednesday.

It doesn't matter what is playing.  I can always tell what is going to be chosen though.  If it is a chick flick, I guarrentee it will be on.  No chance of an action movie ever playing.  They don't care at all if there is mature content.  If they tried to play a kids movie there would be a revolt.

A few weeks ago we were all settled and had finished watching the previews and waited for the film to start.  It was "I don't know how she does it!"  As soon as I saw the preview I knew it would be chosen.  After 5 minutes, the screen is still black.  The usher comes in and tells us that there is a problem with the projector and they can't play the movie!  The can play "The Lion King 3D"!

What the Fuck?  Or we had the option to pack up our shit and go to another theater and watch the movie we thought we were going to see.  Almost everyone got up to go to the other theater.  My wife and I got our money back.  I didn't want to see that movie anyway.

Cloth Diaper Comparison and Review

My wife and I have made the decision to use cloth diapers. We were originally going to use a service, but after some thought, we decided it would be better to buy our own. The service diapers were two pieces. Every diaper would be like putting on two. Cloth is already harder that disposable, so we wanted to make it as easy as possible. I am the primary diaper-er so I agreed.

We went to a few workshops put on by local baby stores and my wife has done a lot of research. We have purchased several different brands of diaper to try them out and see which ones we want to go with. Since we have twins, we are going to need about 30 diapers if we want to get through one day.

I have decided to compare the diapers we have tried and let you know what I think about them. As a Dad, I might have a different perspective.

We have selected a variety of pocket, one piece and hybrid diapers. Each has the advantages and disadvantages which I will go over. We also wanted one size fits all. This has been a bit hard because our girls are still quite small. They only just crossed the 10 pound mark, so they are the size of some newborns, yet they are now 4 months old. So we actually bought a few small sizes so they would fit better.

Here are the brands we have tried thus far.

1. Charlie Banana One Size
2. Bum Genius One Size
3. GrowVia One Piece One Size
4. GrowVia Hybrid One Size
5. AMP Small
6. AMP One Size
7. Bummis Tiny Fit
8. Bummis Easy Fit
9. Mother-Ease Wizard Easy Stuff
10. Blueberry One Size

There are a lot of things that have gone into our thinking.  We want something that is going to fit well, grow with the girls and not leak.  Plus my wife would like it if they were cute.  That doesn't matter to me.  

I also like it it they are somewhat easy to manage.  I am the one putting these things on at 3 o'clock in the morning, so ease of use is a selling feature.  Velcro wins over snaps every time!

1. Charlie Banana One Size

Charlie Banana is a one size pocket diaper.  It is made of micro-fleece.  It has adjustable leg holes and uses snaps.  

 Pros: 

• Really wicks the moisture away.  Sometimes I have a hard time telling if the diaper is even wet.  
• Adjustable leg holes.  It uses a elastic band that moves to different lengths to keep the leg holes snug, but not too snug.  Most other diapers have one size leg, and depend on rows of snaps  to determine how tight the legs are.  
• Poop comes off easily.  We use a toilet sprayer after poops to get most of it off, and the micro-fleece doesn't hold on to it.  Plus you can loosen the leg holes to smooth it out in case extra fecal matter is stuck in the cracks. 
• The pocket stays closed.
• The shell dries very quickly.
• Cost effective.  We bought them in a box of 6 for $125.

Cons: 

• The snaps are damn hard to do up when you are very sleepy.  
• It is difficult to stuff the soaker pad into the pocket with large hands like mine.
• The configuration allows one side to double over the other, so when you are in between sizes it can be either too tight, or too loose. 
• The front tabs of the diaper can peak out on the sides of the legs and must be stuffed in to ensure it doesn't leak.  If any of the microfleece is showing, that will get wet.
• You must smooth out the soaker pad when you put the diaper on or else it can get folded up inside reducing it's effectiveness. 

2. Bum Genius One Size


Bum Genius is also a one size picket diaper.  It is also microfleece.  It has velcro instead of snaps.







Pros

• Velcro is easy to use.
• Also wicks moisture away well. 
• It is large, so it is easy to stuff for my big hands.
• Poop comes off just as easily.

Cons

• It is quite large and can be loose fitting on a smaller baby.  
• The front tabs are quite large, so they have to wrap around the baby, which can be awkward. 
• A little bulky.
• The closure of the pocket seems to stay open.

3. GrowVia One Piece One Size


GrowVia is a one piece diaper.  The insert is attached, but folds out so it can dry easier. It is made of organic cotton.  It uses snaps.







Pros

• One piece design means no stuffing.  That is good for me.
• Since the piece is attached, there is no chance of losing it.
• The snap tabs are very flexible and stretchy.
• It has a slim fit.  It isn't bulky at all.
• High quality construction and material.  It just feels high quality.

Cons

• The cotton is not very absorbent.  Not good if you have to leave it on long because it is prone to leakage.  
• The flap is too long for a small baby, so it must be tucked under or folded so it doesn't stick out.
• Poop stains!  The cotton is quite dense, and no matter how long I spray it with water a thick residue remains.  There were stains after washing, but they did get bleached away when dried in the sun.
• Takes a long time to dry.
• More expensive than the average.

4. GrowVia Hybrid One Size


The second GrowVia we have is a hybrid.  It has a reusable shell and a snap in liner.  The liner is organic cotton.  It uses velcro.







Pros

• Hybrid design means no stuffing.  The one piece snaps easily into place.
• High quality construction and material.
• Slim fit.  
• Easy velcro for those late nights.
• Shell drys very quickly.

Cons

• Same problem with the cotton.  But in this case the cotton gets wet and the sides touch the shell, and it must be washed. You need to change it very often if you want to reuse the shell.
• Long soaker must be folded so it doesn't stick out the top of the diaper when the baby is small like mine are. 
• Poop stains.
• Expensive.

5. AMP Small Size

The AMP is another pocket diaper that uses microfleece.  This is the small size and it uses snaps to close.

Pros

• Small size fits our small babies very well.
• Microfleece wicks away the moisture.
• Poop comes off well.
• Dries quickly.
• Snug fit around the leg holes.

Cons

• Small size, so the baby will quickly out grow it.
• The micro fleece bunches at the leg holes, so if the diaper gets too full it may leak.  If wearing pants, they will get wet.

6. AMP One Size

Exactly the same as the small size, but it has a row of snaps that allow it to change size so you only need to buy one.  We got the small size just to try it out.

Pros

• Same as small size, but also grows with the baby.
• Plenty of snaps for different sizes.

Cons

• Same as small size.

7. Bummis Tiny Fit

This is a one piece diaper that uses velcro for fastening.  It is hemp, so quite absorbent. We bought several small ones because they fit so well.  They are good up to 14 pounds so we figured we would be able to use them for a few months because of the size of our girls. 

Pros

• Velcro is easy to use.
• Absorbent, they hold a lot pee.
• One piece makes it easy.

Cons

• One piece is very difficult to stuff into the pocket.  My hand is far to large to do it, and I need my wife to do it so I don't freak out.
• They take forever to dry.
• Too small going forward.

8. Bummis One Size

This is the big brother of the tiny fit.  Also a one piece with a pocket.  It is hemp, so quick absorbing. 

Pros

• Same as Tiny, but it grows with the baby.

Cons

• Quite bulky
• Pocket is bigger, but still difficult to stuff.  The waterproof side is kind of tacky, so my hand gets stuck.
• Drying takes forever.

9. Mother-Ease Wizard Easy Stuff


This is a pocket diaper.  It has a different set up for easy stuffing.  The sides are completely open, so you just lift it up and place the insert inside.  No stuffing really.  It uses snaps.





Pros

• Obviously easy to stuff.
• Has a channel on the side to keep leakage from getting to the outside.

Cons

• Poor construction.  Started fraying after first usage.
• Very baggy.

10. Blueberry One Size


Yet another  pocket diaper.  It also uses micro fleece.  It has a fuzzy outside cover.







Pros

• Micro fleece wicks well.
• Poop washes off

Cons

• Pocket remains open, and hangs out the back.
• It is bulky and large.
• Fuzzy spotted cover makes me feel sleazy.

Soaker pads


A note about soaker pads.  These are the inserts that go inside the pocket and you can also add a second one for extra wetness protection for the one piece diapers.  They come in all different materials.  Hemp, Bamboo, cotton, micro fleece.  Bamboo and Hemp hold the most liquid, but they take forever to dry because of it.  It would be good to several options depending on the urination habits of your baby.


Conclusion


My conclusion is that it's hard to use cloth diapers.  They all have their pros and cons.  The Charlie Banana have the best sizing options in my opinion.  The Bummis One Size are my favorite overall because of absorption, pocket stuffing ease and velcro fastening.   The AMP is also pretty good.

Really, you have to gather the information and make your own choice. 

My Wife is a Champion

My wife is breastfeeding our twin girls.  It is an amazing thing for her to have that bond with them.

There are lots of benefits to breastfeeding.

• Great for the baby. They get everything they need!
• Free milk! 
• Easy milk storage. No preparation needed.
• I don't have to do anything!  
• I get to see my wife's boobs a lot.

It has not been easy.  

As you might recall from reading all my other blog posts, our twins were born 5 weeks early.  We were in the hospital for 2 weeks.  During that time my wife tried to breastfeed every three hours. 

The girls didn't do it right away.  But she said she would keep trying.  

It was frustrating for her.  She felt rejection every time.  Then I would feed them  with the bottle.

We had so much advice.  Tried every technique.  Most people said it would just work and they were too young, that they would get it eventually.  We had know many people who didn't do it, or who gave up.

During our first trip to the Doctor, we met parents of twin boys.  They were 4 months old.  We told them we were still trying to get the girls to breastfeed.  They laughed.  They said they tried it for 5 weeks, then gave up.  It was so much better they said, just giving a bottle.

Before the girls were actually born I ran into a couple at Toys R Us.  I asked them how it was going.  The father said they drank so much formula, that it was costing him a fortune. 

After 6 weeks, we saw a glimmer of hope.  Twin A started to have some success with the breast.  Then she started doing it all the time.  A few weeks later, her sister joined her.  Eventually they were only drinking from the boob.   Then my wife tried tandem feeding, and while it worked, it was hard.  But with time, they got that too. 

So now when the girls are hungry I grab them and bring them to their mother.  She straps on the twin feeding pillow and they go to town.  They are three champs in my opinion.

We came pretty close to quitting.  It was so frustrating, but we are so glad we stuck with it.  It is awesome.  

My wife is awesome.  It makes my life so much easier.  Remember this was my schedule before. 

Now I can relax when the girls are drinking.  When we go out, we don't need to take anything but my wife's boobs.  I love them even more than I used to.  And that was quite a bit.

Poop Stains Cloth

My wife and I are using cloth diapers on our twin girls.

There are plenty of reasons to do it.   We do it for the environment.  It is amazing how much garbage you generate with disposable diapers.  Having two babies pooping and peeing ever few hours makes the bags of garbage pile up quickly. With the cloth, you just have to wash them, so that is better.

Cost.  There is a large cost up front, but you make that back with time.  We have one size fits all, so each diaper will expand with the girls.  Depending on the diaper, it can cost between 15 and 25 bucks for each one. We need about 10 or more diapers per baby.  So the total cost might be somewhere around 500 bucks in the end.  But if you compare that to the cost of buying a 25 to 40 dollar box of disposables ever week or two, you see that quickly you are on the right end.

We have used disposables since we were in the hospital.  The way they bloat up and keep dry is like some sort of dark magic to me.  What chemicals do they contain and how do they work?  I don't really want that kind of voodoo next to my babies genitals.  So cloth is better, and it seems like they won't get a rash.  I like that.

You are supposed to be able to potty train them faster with cloth.  When they get wet, they know it.  The wizardly inside the disposable keeps them dry, so they don't relate pissing their pants with being wet.  We will see with time how this all works out.

Funny how all through time we used cloth diapers, then technology created disposables and that was what people used, and now we are returning to the old ways.

Well, not everyone.  It is pretty hard to do in comparison to using disposables.  When the babies poo, with a disposable, you take it off wrap it up and toss it.  For me, I remove the diaper and then go to the bathroom.  We have a little sprayer that is attached to the water supply for the toilet.  I open the diaper and use the hose to spray off all the loose fecal matter.  My wife informed me I did a shitty job the first few times.  Who knew you needed to wash the diaper before you wash it in the washing machine.

So I stoop over the toilet with the rotten diaper in the bowl spraying every inch of shit off.  Sometimes I get frustrated and just use my hand to scrape the stubborn bits off.  Lovely stuff.  Then once I am satisfied, I try to straighten out my creaky back and transfer the sopping wet diaper into the wet bag and wash my hands and go back to the babies and wait for the next poop explosion.

It can be a bummer.  But my wife things the cloth diapers are really cute.

She doesn't like the poopy diapers.  That is all me.  I guess that is why they call me the Poop Catcher.

Damn My Old Joints!

Before the girls were born, I thought I knew everything.  Well, I still do, but what I know has changed with experience.

I had heard of people getting angry at the dog for barking and waking up the baby.  Or I would visit someone with a baby, and after they put them to sleep they would tip toe out of the nursery and freak out, silently of course, if you made the smallest noise.

I thought I wasn't going to be like that.  I didn't want to train my kids to wake up at the drop of a needle.  I would be loud, and they would sleep.

Turns out I have shit for brains.

With twins it is twice as hard to get them to sleep. Sometimes after rocking and singing and cuddling, and repeating, we get them both in their crib asleep, but then one might start to cry, and it triggers the chain reaction leading us back to the starting line.

Actually, I shouldn't complain, because the girls are actually great sleepers.  I thought they were amazing at first, but it turned out to be jaundice.

Now when the are asleep and I manage to transfer them from my arms to the crib without waking them up I stand over the crib for a few minutes to make sure they don't wake themselves up with crazy arm movements.  I am also ready to pick one up if they are about to wake the other.  Then when they both seem to be sleeping, I get ready to creep out of the bedroom as quietly as I can.

I am not a young father.  I'm not a senior citizen, but I am in my late 30's.  So as I start trying to creep away, without fail my ankles will crack.  Every time that happens, the girls jump.  It isn't enough to wake them up, usually.  But every now and then it does.

Then I get murderously angry, at myself.  So now I try to walk out, quietly and stealth-fully and without bending any of my joints.

Parental Leave Can Be So Unfair

I am on parental leave. It is pretty awesome to have the opportunity to spend nine months with my twin girls. I never have to worry about getting up for work. I don't even need to shower. Sometimes I do, just for fun.

 While I am grateful for our government giving me the opportunity to take a nine month "vacation" I have two serious issues with the system.

 Issue number one: Why do I, as a man only get to take nine months off of work, while my wife, were she not a freeloading student, can take a full year off with the girls? Why must life be so hard for the educated, employed straight white males in this world of ours?  What are those extra three months for?  Could it be recovery time?  As if it wasn't hard on me being in the delivery room.  I needed some recovery time after that.  I guess life just isn't fair.

Issue number two: There is no difference in the amount of time you can take off if you have more than one child.  I phoned EI and asked if I got any benefit for having twins.  They laughed at me.  I wasn't trying to be funny.  Imagine if Octo- Mom actually had a job.  She would only get one year of maternity leave.  That is nuts.  We only have two babies and I could really use two years off of work.

What if I just hid the birth certificate?  And then applied for a second 9 months right after the first one ended?  I could never get away with it these days.  Too many electronic trails I guess.  The 60's would have been easy.  But not today.

If a woman has a baby, then takes her year, and immediately starts trying to get pregnant, then has another baby within the next year, does she get to take another year of maternity?  Does that seem fair to you?  If you are still reading this now, you are probably insane, and have no concept of what fair is.

Or you are another enraged Dad.  Who's with me? Do you think we could sue the government and get our three months?

An Example of Motherly Sacrifice

My wife and I were walking our twins last week.  We have an awesome stroller that is very high tech. It takes both infant car seats at the same time.  They snap in very easily.  It has been a real sanity saver because we have been able to go out for at least one walk a day, and often two.

The summer has been wonderful where we live.  We were walking down the sidewalk when my wife did something amazing.

She pushes the stroller and I take our dog.  As she pushed a bee came into her path.  Without thinking about what she was doing my wife, on some basic animal instinct, let go of the stroller and darted backwards away from the bee. It was fight or flight, and she chose flight.  The stroller drifts harmlessly down the sidewalk unattended.  My wife's brain suddenly clicks in and she lunges to grab hold of the handle and bring the vehicle back under control.

I had visions of the scene in Speed where Sandra Bullock's character hits the stroller with the bus, but is relieved to find out there were only cans inside.

Born in the Wrong Generation

Have you ever heard your Dad tell stories about how many diapers he changed? What about all the times he put you in the baby sling and took you around the block? What about how he cleaned the house, did the dishes and prepared dinner?

Well, if you are my age, you didn't hear those stories, because they didn't happen. When my brother and I were born, my Pop was at the bar treating everyone to double Brandy Alexanders! (He had treated everyone to Brandy Alexanders when our older brother was born, so the doubles seemed like a good idea with twins and all. Clever right? Where do you think I got it?)

I'm not sure I will ever go to a bar again.

As for changing diapers. I have talked to several men my Dad's age and older, and none of them ever changed a diaper. My Mom told me a story about the one time my Pop changed my brother's diaper.

She had gone out to do some shopping, and Dad had agreed to stay home and watch my bro. A short time later, my mother returned from the store. She entered the apartment they were living in, and saw no sign of father and child. She did see the bouncy chair big bro had been sitting in. In his place was a unfastened diaper, full of poo.

My mother found my Dad and bro in the next room. Turns out, Pop had discovered the turd on board and deciding that he had a choice. He could leave my crying brother and wait for Mom to return and listen to him cry and smell his poopy pants. Or he could change him.

So, he undid the diaper and lifted the boy up and away from the stained cloth. Then without wiping him off, he put him down into a fresh diaper. He pinned it up and was done with it. Father and child happy again.

He didn't remove the dirty diaper from the chair. He didn't wash out the turds. He didn't put the whole thing in the toilet. He didn't even bring the side together to hide the fecal matter from the light of day. Then he left the room to get away from the smell. After that virgin attempt, he never changed another one.

No matter how bad a job I did at something, my wife wouldn't decide that it wasn't worth it for me to do it. She would tell me I was an idiot and that I should pay better attention and do it right the next time. And I would.

Men used to have it so easy.

You Call This A Schedule?

Two babies. One Mom. One Dad. One Hospital. Two floors.

I wanted to let you know what we went through when the girls were first born. This is so I can complain about how much it sucked, and you can say how awesome I am for doing it.

So remember, that we have twin girls. One is in the hospital room with us and the other is in the NICU. And keep in mind that whenever I encountered a Nurse or Doctor, I talked constantly and humorously about a huge range of topics. They loved me. Didn't they? Anyway, on with the schedule.

1. Twin A starts crying, so I jump out of my cot and grab her.
2. I remove her diaper and attempt to change it without getting shit on. Usually she will pee or poo while I am in the process, so I often have to use 2 or 3 diapers.
3. I get her changed, and hand her off to my wife. She attempts to get her to breastfeed. She tries for 10 minutes, usually unsuccessfully.
4. While she is doing that, I prepare the bottle of previously pumped breast milk. I pour out the proper amount and warm it up and put on a fresh nipple.
5. I also take a sterilized breast pump kit and put it together. I attach it to the main unit and have that ready for my wife.
6. She finishes with Twin A, so she hands her off to me. I give her the pump and she starts.
7. I bottle feed Twin A.
8. After she is done, I burp her.
9. Then change her again and swaddle her up and put her back in her crib.
10. My wife finishes the pumping and I take the fresh milk and transfer it into one receptacle and label it for later use.
11. Then I disassemble the kit.
12. I use a chart to note how the feeding went, and if the baby pooped or peed.

Now we must go down to the NICU. If we want to take Twin A, we must call the Nurse to escort us. Don't ask. So we do that and ride the elevator down two flights with Twin A in her crib on wheels and the nurse by our side.

1. We go to the NICU where we must sterilize our hands and forearms using sinks like you see in TV dramas about surgery.
2. I hand off the pumped breast milk to the nurse on hand so she can store it for later use for Twin B.
3. I turn off the monitor and detach the cords going to the three leads attached to Twin B.
4. I go through the process of changing Twin B's diaper in the incubator. (Hopefully avoiding coating the walls of the clear plastic heat box with liquid baby turd.) Again using 2 or 3 diapers. They love the freedom of pissing while naked. Can you blame them?
5. Then I take her out and give her to my wife so she can try breastfeeding. She tries for 10 minutes, unsuccessfully again, I might add.
6. I cuddle Twin A and make witty comments to the nurses.
7. My wife rolls her eyes.
8. Then I take her and bottle feed her.
9. My wife sits by with Twin A watching and trying to remain conscious.
10. Then I burp her. (Twin B, not my wife)
11. Change her diaper again and place her back in the incubator.
12. I reattach the leads and turn the monitor back on.

Now we must call for another escort back up two flights. Then we get back to our room and wait for the process to start all over again. We did this every three hours for the full two weeks we were in the hospital.

2 Incubators in 1 Night

As I have said before, my twin girls were born prematurely and were quite small. The smaller of the two, Twin B was only 4 pounds and had to be placed in an incubator. It was pretty crazy seeing my little baby girl with wires attached to her chest and sleeping in the incubator.

After a while I got really comfortable with the whole set up and when I went to visit her, I would open the side of the contraption, turn off the monitors and remove them. Then I would change her diaper. I did this all inside the incubator, through the two hand holes. This was to make sure that she didn't get too cold.

We had a routine where my wife and I would visit every three hours so she could breast feed, and cuddle. We did this all through the night. My wife was pumping milk so we could feed the babies as well, so a couple of times I would give her a break and go and do it myself during the middle of the night. This would enable her to have at least a few hours of sleep.

Earlier in the day I went to the NICU and put my hands in the incubator and saw that Twin B's diaper was wet. So I got my supplies and got ready to change her. I removed the diaper and saw that it was wet. She hadn't pooped. Easy enough. I grabbed her legs and got the new diaper in position. Before I knew what was happening, a jet of liquid poo shot out of her sphincter and sprayed the side of the incubator. As I stood there in shock, the nurse came and kind of chuckled at my misfortune. She was good natured about it, and told me they would need to replace the incubator. I guess they wanted it to be clean. Hot baby shite isn't a nice thing to deal with. So a new one was wheeled in and everything was cleaned up. No harm no foul.

After that I was pretty gun shy. Well, bum shy really. I tried to remove the old diaper and put the new one in so I could always be sure to contain any spray. So, now it is around 5 am, and I have left my wife up in our room with Twin A. I took the milk she pumped and headed to the NICU. There was an older nurse on duty at that time, and she paid no attention to me as I went to the incubator to change Twin B prior to feeding. In my groggy state, I removed the diaper and sure enough when my guard was down, another jet of fecal matter sprayed onto my hands and coated the inside of the second incubator. My heart sank. I am pretty sure I said "Fuck".

The nurse came over, and I could tell she wasn't pleased with me. She had heard the tale from earlier in the day. So now, about 12 hours later I had done it again. She said something like, "You don't learn do you." It is day 12 of my babies life. I have been sleeping on a shitty cot in my wife's hospital room. Waking up every few hours to take care of the babies. Now it is 5 am and I am standing with my hands covered in shit and I know I have to wait for the new Incubator to come before I can put Twin B back in and I can return to my room. So, let's just say, learning wasn't my top priority at that moment.

So I waited there. I fed the baby, and held her until a new incubator was wheeled in and warmed up to the proper temperature. That took so much time, that my wife woke up in her room and freaked out that I wasn't back. She wrapped up Twin A and came down to the NICU. She saw me sitting there holding the baby. I explained the situation with the incubator and in jet of shit. She wasn't pleased. She thought something bad had happened.

So, I got shit on my hands. I got shit on by the nurse. And I got shit from my wife.

I am the Poop Catcher.

Do Twins Run in Your Family?

You know that I have twin girls. They are fraternal. They were 5 weeks early, so we spent 2 weeks in the hospital with them. They were quite small, and Twin B was only 4 pounds, so she had to go to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, otherwise known as the NICU.

Most parents only spend a day or two in the hospital, but I slept on a cot in my wife's room for the first nine days. Needless to say, I talked to a lot of nurses and doctors.

The first thing that inevitably comes up when people find out you have twins is if it runs in the family. After a few days, that question would trigger my wife's brain to turn off and her to stop listening. You see, I have been told that I enjoy talking. I often tell the same stories over and over.

Well, when the people are new, they haven't heard the story, so why bother coming up with new material when I have already mined the gold? So, I would say, "Actually, I am a twin." I have an identical twin brother. Without fail they would always reply that it was my fault that we had twins. With my wife in a catatonic state now, I go into my spiel.

I have researched twins quite a bit. Turns out, Identical twins are a complete fluke. They don't run in families. You could have a family history of multiple births, but not identical twins. Plus, if the mother is over 35 the chances of having multiples increases by 50%. So, in actuality it is her fault not mine. They laugh.

Now these medical professionals who are working in the birthing unit are all amazed at this information. How was I, a foolish layman able to glean this information with a cursory search of Wikipedia and they don't know it with years of study.

With my story finished, I have to snap my fingers a few times in front of my wife's face so she comes back to reality. I probably told that exact story 50 times during our stay in the hospital. So you can understand why she might find it a tad boring.

It never failed to grab the interest of the person asking though. So if you ask me again, I will probably tell it to you in the exact same way. You won't know the difference. Just don't expect my wife to pay attention to it.

Welcome To My New Life

My wife just had twins. I've learned that everything is about Mom now. I often catch her saying "my" babies. I tried to correct her a few times so she would say "our" babies, but now after a few months of reflection, I understand why she says it. Having a baby changes a woman in so many ways. It changes their body. It changes their brain. It changes their outlook on everything.

But Dads don't have hormones or physical changes to deal with. Everything is pretty normal for us. Until one day you are playing golf, and after seven holes you get the call. 5 weeks before you planned it, you are in the hospital and after 17 hours a doctor hands you a wrinkly, wet, bluish unhappy baby. Then 6 minutes later they hand you another one. So life changes, but you have less stretch marks.

As a new dad, I wanted to drop a few pearls of wisdom.

Sorry, I just had to leave because I am monitoring my twins on a video monitor and they started squirming, so I had to go an soothe them. I am back.

Where was I? Yes, a new dad. I can't breastfeed. I don't have the patients of a mother. I clean. I lift heavy stuff. I change diapers. That is my number one job. Changing diapers. Cloth diapers!

I had never changed a single diaper prior to having kids. Now I am an expert.

I have been shit on. Literally and figuratively.

I am The Poop Catcher